How Do You Walk Away..

Walking away from something that’s not good for you isn’t easy. It’s not easy to keep telling yourself this is it and knowing it’s not. It’s not easy wanting something different but choosing the complete opposite. Asking yourself, why you aren’t making better decisions…the right decisions. You know exactly what you’re looking for don’t you? He has to be funny. He has to be nice, but still know when to be a little rude. I like that. He has to know what he wants out of life and moving towards it in some fashion, because a man that looks forward to his future is sexy. He has to be able to kiss me anywhere. I don’t care if it’s the grocery store, the club, or the park; PDA is a must. He has to be able to speak his mind; seeing that is so nice. He must be intelligent; intelligence is just EVERYTHING. Everyone’s not big on learning. I get that, but that’s not me. I love learning new things. I research almost everything. In those late night phone calls, 2 am drives on Friday nights, meet-ups after work, and road trips out of town, to know that with you my mind grows pleases me. These are the things I wanted but not the things I chose. The men I dated weren’t bad by any means. They just weren’t right for me and sometimes not good for me. Some of them were “closer” to what I wanted but still…..still they lacked what I was yearning for. It almost started to ache to feel so empty for so many people. I thought I wasn’t losing any energy or time, but I was wrong. Our life is nothing but the sum of our time. The sum of the things that we choose to make important. But like I said, walking away from something that’s not good for you isn’t easy. I had to understand why I chose mediocre and not the best. I wasn’t asking for impossible things. I simply needed to be treated with tenderness and compassion, for someone to see me for who I (truly) am---that was most important because that’s not something I had ever had-- and be perfectly happy with that. Also many other things and everything at the same time, but who in their right mind doesn’t want it all? I knew I deserved it, at least part of me did. But yet in my mind I made it sound like an outrageous request of life. So I thought I could date ones I knew weren’t right until I met “Mr. Right.” Except, that’s not how it works. It takes saying no to the things you don’t want and waiting to say Yes to the things you do. It’s about choosing what’s good for you over the bad. Walking away from something that’s unhealthy, exhausts you, stifles you, makes u feel further away from the person you want to be. Admitting to yourself what you honestly want and only choosing those things and absolutely nothing else. It’s then that doors open to possibilities that only existed in your daydreams to feel, to breathe fully …to love. 

Are You Scared of Messing Up Your Life...

I’ve been confronted with a lot of options recently. Many of which that would alternate the plan I had in place for myself. It could be for the good or not so good. I really don't like messing up, especially my life! Truth is, there’s really no guarantee to what your future will look like. Anything can happen today or tomorrow that completely changes your life forever, and ultimately changes you. I often heard my parents say “Thank you God for waking me up this morning.” Even though I know waking-up each day is not a given, after waking up so often with no problems… 365 days for 24 years, 7 months, and 18 days. After 8,991 times it starts to feel like a given, but it’s not. The reality is that people lose their life every single minute without knowing it's coming. That could be my reality tomorrow, or yours or your parents. There’s no guarantees in this life so why do we live each day as if we have forever? Why are we so cautious to not make radical changes in what career we choose, who we love, where we live, the kinds of friends we make? As if we’re waiting on a defining moment that says “The time is now young grasshopper. Go, you’re free to live!” If you knew a moment like that would never come, that no one will ever give you permission to live out your desires, that people are going to question your optimism for wanting a life that doesn’t fit the norm, that you will feel crazy for going towards something you want even though you don’t know how to get there. If you knew all those things now, would you start living your truth tomorrow? Would you start showing your gratitude by living a life that was meant for you? I can guarantee that all of the things I mentioned earlier will absolutely happen, but if it’s any consolation, you will also be the happiest you’ve ever been. You will meet people that bring you closer to what you desire. Opportunities will present itself that feel like miracles (because they will be). You will start resembling the person you’ve always wanted to be. But this takes risk. Each and every day it takes being optimistic about what you want in life and doing something that will bring it closer to it. We don’t know what tomorrow will be but what we do have is today. Wake-up and create it.

The Art of Letting Go

Me: Don’t you wanna know how many people I’ve slept with?

Him: … for what?

Me: So you can know about my past..

Him: Are you sleeping with the people you’ve previously had sex with now?

Me: No..

Him: Would you like me to define you by the number of people you’ve had sex with?

Me: No…

Him: Well, to be honest, I really don’t care about how many people you’ve slept with before me. Whether it was a little or a lot, it still brought you right here. Without each and every one of those experiences I wouldn’t have who is standing before me now. If you want to tell me that’s fine, but think about why you want me to know, because whether you tell me or not it really doesn’t matter.

I did think about why I wanted to tell him. Why did I want him to know? Was there a message with telling him my body count? Was I trying to justify myself, prove myself, contradict myself, sabotage myself? What I realized is I was trying to say something that actually had nothing to do with my number. Instead it was about picking apart past decisions and making them relevant in my present. Why was I doing that though? I’m not the same person as when I owned my V-card. Hell, I’m not the same person I was in 2013 and that was only 4 months ago. Why is it that we try to make past experiences today’s issues? Why do we allow ourselves to press repeat on a punishment we’ve already endured? It’s interesting how often we bring up the past as if it has the right to be important again. Holding on to what is already done weighs us down, eats at us. You can find yourself reliving previous experiences all the way up until you’ve added in new shit. It begins to hold more significance than it had ever intended to. Letting go of the past allows you to feel the future with much more power and vitality. It allows you to see yourself for who you are today. It allows you to breathe  full and deep without suffocating in your own made-up despair.  The reason you did what you did back then is because you needed that then and now you need something different. The art is not mixing the two ;-)